Christmas series2:I'll be Home for Christmas
by prolixius5
Summary: Parallel to "One Hell of a Road to Christmas": Starsky's POV. TXS a million for all precious R&R. Rated for ch9 graphic description. Complete. 3d place TORINO AWARD winner: my eternal gratitude to all who voted for me! Part III in the pipeline.
1. Chapter 1

**I'll be Home for Christmas**

_**In the beginning, I wanted to write what was happening simultaneously to both, but somehow got caught in Blondie's story. This is the "parallel" sequel to "One Hell of a Road to Christmas"; **__**Starsky's POV on the events that almost shattered the guys lives for ever.**_

_**A big Applause and Thanks to my precious B-readers: ECE23 and Alysoun :-). You're sweet things indeed!!**_

_**I take the opportunity to thank again for all their reviews on previous stories: Janet Brown, Aussie Mitcham and The Sheriff , whom I could not thank automatically on FFN at the time. And a BIG THANK YOU to ALL the readers, who have been surfing on my stories since I registered on FFN, only four months ago. Your comments are a true blessing and encourage me to go on.**_

_**I hope you will enjoy this one too and that you will find some time to leave a little review; you may guess I've become addicted to them :-) and it's these that make me go on an on.**_

_**Thanks for being there, all of you. You really make my day... **_

_**Prolixius5.**_

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

A split second. That's all I had to decide.

And I made a choice.

I chose you and your life as a husband and possibly a future father. Because you were committed to something greater than yourself.

That night, when my body hit the ground, it was not my back that was hit and shattered, but my heart, my very soul.

Because I thought I would not see you grow as the married one.

I would not be the godfather of your first kid.

I would not even have the chance to have a family of my own.

I thought...

Too much...

Then not at all...

Broken.

Right after that split second, I swear there was no other place on Earth I'd rather have been than safe in your arms, feeling your heart, hearing your voice, taking a last look into those deep blue eyes of yours.

It also meant I would have to leave you behind.

But I was given the greatest final blessing there was: to die in your arms.

Except that it was not my time to die just yet.

My heart did let go in the ambulance though, they said afterwards. I was in peace, ready to go. Surprisingly, I was okay with the idea that you would not witness this nightmare and have to close my eyes for ever. For death was not for you. Someone was waiting for you, counting on you, loving you. And the thread between life and death for me was so thin that the slightest movement could have ruined it for good.

Yet Heaven could wait. First I thought I heard the angels. Even trapped in my coma, I realized it was you. Your voice. Your touch. YOU! That meant I was still alive. And you were by my side. Somehow part of me wanted to be left alone. This time I felt I had endured too much for us to recover.

But each time I felt I was drowning in a peaceful abyss, you would launch a buoy of love and comfort. You gave me so much. On and on. Day after day. Night after night.

I suddenly became aware, behind my closed eyelids, that, should I die, you'd come along.

And God knows I could not let you do that!

I don't know how many days I had to fight those options: to die or to come back to you.

Even my dreams would tend to fight this tragedy and pull me back to the real world.

_I am alone in a dark room, as if trapped and no light from outside can guide me. Than all of a sudden a faint ray comes from nowhere, a voice is softly singing me out of my fear, calling me to salvation. I use it as an Ariadne's thread. I feel your presence all around me, your fingers touching my hand. I know it's you and I am afraid to lose you, as if YOU are the one dying._

_I can hear your laughter, I can see your sapphire blue eyes like sparkling beacons guiding me towards you. I gotta find a way to help you pull me out of my darkness. You must survive all this. You need to live. Don't stop whispering to me, Blondie. I'm on my way to you, to life, I promise. I can't let you down._

_Through the dense fog, I can see Terry at a distance, reaching out for me. God, she is so beautiful, she is literally glowing. I am tempted to reach out to her, to hold her in my arms, to kiss her, to love her again as I used to. She means rest, harmony, redemption. But when she finally touches me with the tip of her fingers, she turns my body away from her and calmly says my time has not yet come. _

_I need to go back._

_I have a mission to accomplish. She liked you back then and now she is telling me my mission is to save YOU. I walk towards the light that emanates from you, to the warmth that irradiates from your touch. Hearing the plea you're silently making to God, not to let me die._

_I concur. _

_I will go back. _

_God, I will stick with the Blonde Blintz, if you tell me to do so. I'm sorry, Terry, I wish to stay with you, my love, but he's calling me with every fiber of his being. He's hurt inside as much as I'm hurt outside. Together we will make it, I swear, Dear God. Please give me the strength to heal both my body and his soul._

_That's it, Hutch, keep on talking to me, Buddy. _

_Guide me to you. _

_Get me out of this uncertainty. _

_I will be strong again, for Me and Thee. _

_I will walk to you and hold you and make you feel better. _

_We'll laugh again. _

_We'll sing again those lovely melodies you write. _

_We'll argue again about those silly diets of yours. _

_We'll fight the bad guys again, against all odds._

_Please, Hutch, I beg you, keep on singing to me, man, I wanna come home._

I opened my eyes. So slowly.

At first, everything was a blur. Then I saw that sweet face of yours.

_Blondie, you look like shit!! But I'm sure damn happy to see ya!_

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/


	2. Chapter 2

**I'll be Home for Christmas**

_Thanks to all who have started to read this fic and for the private messages I got. Reviews are what motivates me, so please, don't hesitate to leave one and let me know what you think. I'm certainly no match for pros here, my only ambition is to share my passion for writing about the guys._

* * *

**Chapter 2**

I could not move an inch. My body was forced in a non-movement routine, apart from the alternate traction and immobilization schedule they have programmed.

I couldn't feel my legs.

They put me on strong medication of MP, morphine, whatever, to prevent the swelling in my back. I could almost feel that bullet caressing my spine. I would try to visualize it and at night, I would concentrate all my thoughts on that small area in my back, imagining I could pull it out, through the same hole through which it forced its way into my body. I repeated that fight every night, over and over again.

And every day, I would try to put a little smile on my face, for you Blondie, because you seemed so helpless. I wanted to talk to you, but I had no strength for that anymore. Awake for just a few seconds, and I was diving again into a deep slumber.

When you were not there, each time I woke up, there was always someone else to gently wash my face, change the bandages, turn the bed at night, monitor my heart, my blood pressure and respiration, check the brace.

I could hear them discussing the spinal shock I had experienced. It sounded bad. I could hear the surgeon who operated on me talking to another one. They thought I was asleep, but, even trapped in my semi-coma, I could make out their voices. The little I heard was enough. _No long-term prognosis_. I did not care about the details they gave on my chances of walking again. I knew I would! I had to. No other choice.

I had made up my mind. And I would show them they were wrong.

In the meantime, God, it hurt so much! Bellamy's poison was like sweet honey compared to this. Apart from my lifeless legs and pelvis, the rest of my body seemed to have concentrated all the pain one man can bear in a whole lifetime. Only my mind seemed to be functioning almost normally, though at an accelerated rhythm. I thought of all the things I had not done yet, the missions we had to take care of, the painting job I wanted to finalize in my apartment, the polishing I wanted to grant my Torino. It was stupid, but I kinda hoped Blondie would take care of it. And of my little plant. It was the first one I had.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

I used to dream of Terry, of the way we made love, of the way our skins whispered to each other, of the sensation of divine pleasure she left me with at the end of our nights.

Then, pain was hitting back hard again and I would wish I had died on that road, in Hutch's arms, I could not bear the pain, the drugs, the faces all around, trying to smile. The catheters, the brace. The shame I felt at first at not being able to relieve myself alone, the tears I could not wipe from my face. God, forgive me, I had not spoken to you in a long time. I wanted to cope with all this, but at times, I felt the burden was too heavy on my shoulders.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

They all seemed so compassionate that at times it was getting on my nerves. The nurses were always full of sweet smiles. In the beginning I was trying to smile too but the pain was chewing me up inside and out. Sometimes I even had the feeling I could sense the itching in my toes, but I knew it was only a morbid illusion as I understood something was very wrong with my legs. Was it just the memory that I once had legs and I had actually been amputated?

Hutch was there all the time, or so it seemed. He kept quiet for hours, or spoke soft words of comfort, telling me I was gonna be okay, encouraging me to hang on. He held my hand, I tried to put a reassuring look on my face. I could see he was exhausted. Obviously he was not patrolling anymore, or very little. Dobey must have granted him time off. The Captain came for a couple of visits too, and Hug.

They all tried to hide from me the thing that had been clear to me from the moment I got shot; I may never walk again.

How could I have told them that they were all wrong, that some weird intuition forced me to fight that prognosis. I was too weak to start a conversation. All I could do was smile the best I could. Yet, I felt this was not enough. Not for Hutch anyway.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

The great thing at that moment was to have Mom around. She looked so fragile yet strong and determined to watch over me. When she spent a long while with me, she would refresh my face and arms with a soft wet towel, she would comb my hair, she would put a protective kiss on my forehead before leaving. I felt like a little boy again. I remembered the times she used to comfort me when I had hurt myself after a fall or during a fight with other kids back in New York. And it gradually brought back memories of Dad. When he was still alive, I remembered the proud sensation burning in my chest when I thought I had the greatest Dad in the world.

Somehow today I was almost glad he was not there to see me like this. Deprived of my strength, my ambition, my pride. Nothing but a cripple! No!! I refused that. Not a cripple. I swear to God, even if they have not uttered the cruel words, I would not let go. I refused to become what they feared for me. I made myself the most important promise of my life: I would walk again!

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

One day, a new doctor I had never seen before came into my room. He was talking with his fellow surgeons from the Memorial, who had already operated on me. At that time, I had regained enough energy to put more than just a couple of words together and I made them understand I wanted the truth. Yeah, that's it! The truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth. I've heard that so many times in tribunals. Now it was their turn to take the oath and take their responsibility.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

I had waited for the right moment when I knew Hutch would not be around and I told the nurse I needed to speak to the surgeons.

First they tried to put on a good show but I made it obvious I was not gonna give into some dumb lies. I sure must have convinced them that I could take it because they started to explain what they had done so far. Preventing infection. Reducing the swelling. Stabilizing breathing, blood pressure, heart rate. Forcing my organism to bed rest to allow the bones in my spine to heal properly and avoid dislocation. Immobilizing my neck to prevent unnecessary strain. They explained all about the spinal shock I had endured and the fact that it was too soon to tell whether I would regain any sensation ever.

I never told them I had the impression of feeling some faint itching at times. I wanted to keep this to myself and to see where it would lead me.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

That's when they started to talk about rehab'.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/


	3. Chapter 3

**I'll be Home for Christmas**

_Thank you, Janet, for your kind review... as I could not reply directly. And thanks to ALL of you for sticking with me... well with Curly, I mean :-)_

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Rehabilitation! Now that was the critical part. Because I had to make a decision. The toughest decision of all.

I guess the fact that Mom was there helped me to take the leap.

Therefore I talked to the surgeons and once more, I told them I wanted the truth. No sophisticated terminology or jargon. Just the words. Was I gonna recover or not?

They both looked at me with so much sorrow, but I did not care. Even if I had been hurt before, my body had been in excellent shape and I knew for sure I had enough inner strength to turn the machine back on. They talked about some trauma classified in between _posterior cord syndrome_ and _cauda equida lesion_. Nice huh? How the medical staff can easily turn the most dramatic injuries into some almost poetic phrase! Whatever!!

All that I could remember from the gibberish they fed me with was reduced to two simple facts.

One, if the bullet had hit me higher in the spine, I would have lost the use of my arms as well.

Two, they were not one hundred percent sure I would recover either partially or totally.

No one ever pretended medicine was an exact science anyway! That's one of the reasons why I became a cop. At least when I used to operate on the streets, I could see the results, at least for a while, until some crooked lawyer got the bad guys out of their cell.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

And guess what? I don't wanna be a statistic. Period! Or even better, I wanna be in the percentage of those who make it. Now comes the big decision. Either I stay here and get whatever medical care is available, which is good but not adapted. Or I go to New York and become a patient at the Mount Sinai Hospital. (*)

I heard the place is one of the top hospitals in the country, especially dedicated to the treatment of spine injuries. They even developed a Research and Training Center. I could be one of their lab rats. But frankly, I'd rather take my chances with them and benefit from the state-of-the-art medical techniques. If I stay here, I'll just be a burden to everyone. To Mom, who would eventually need to go back to New York. To Hutch. How could he bear to see me like this and keep on nursing me, despite all the love and attention he is capable of? Yet, right now, I need much more from a medical point of view.

I need him to remain my friend, not to become a permanent care assistant with all the unpleasant and uncomfortable aspects that are involved.

I am aware that I may not regain control of my bladder or my bowels for a long while. It is already humiliating enough as it is not to involve Hutch any further. I need a special bed, which has to be turned through the night, to prevent pressure sores and possible pneumonia. I need to have regular injections of MP and blood thinner to prevent blood clots. I need special devices with pumps around my legs to help circulation. I need to go through customized respiration exercises to help my lungs function normally. And last but not least - this would most please Blondie - I need to start a high fiber diet and drink a lot of water. Yak! No more hamburger and alcohol for a long time! Gee, that might be the hardest part of this program.

Let's face it. This is all done to help me survive. After the survival comes the rehab' part. If I leave my muscles dormant for too long, they may atrophy. The whole picture is I'll need to go through a complete course of physio-therapy, occupational therapy, psychological follow-up and so on and so forth.

Enough!

I'll manage when I get there, okay?

My head is already full of everything I gotta say to Hutch. And I don't know how to tell him.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

God, I wish I had never told him. I never saw such turmoil and pain, anger, disbelief in his eyes. He has been hurt before, by women who dropped him or cheated on him or died. All through the pain he always knew he could count on me. And look at me now! I feel like a traitor. Please forgive me, Blondie. I feel that even the smile I try to offer you will not compensate for stabbing you in the back. See? I still have the feeling you're more fragile than I am. Will you ever forgive me for going away from you? I'm sure you will. I'm actually doing this for your own good too.

It would take time to explain the reasons I made this decision. Of course the official reason is that this NY hospital is the best place for my rehabilitation, plus Mom will be around. The real reason I'm doing this to you is that you've seen enough pain. You were there for me each and every time I was hurt. Bellamy... Terry... You regularly poured all your energy, your comfort and love into my heart to rescue me. If I let you do it this time, I fear it will destroy you. I just hope you'll understand one day that my choice was not an easy one.

Right now I prefer to see you angry than hurt.

Let's make a silent deal. I go to New York. I get better. I come back. How does that sound?

I've made up my mind. I'm going.

The sooner I take care of myself, the sooner I get back to you. I love you, Gordo, you're my pal, Hutch, my brother. That's why I have to go.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

I told Mom to let Hutch be by my side in the ambulance taking us to the airport. She said she would have done it anyway. Mom, I love you so much for caring the way you do.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

Your hand on mine, Blondie, that's good. Let me feel your warmth and take a little of it with me. Let me smell your lousy new aftershave, take a good look at your face. Gee, I'm gonna miss you so much but I can neither show you nor tell you.

No soapy scenes between us, right? As Always.

I'm gonna fight my own battle and come back a winner. I promise.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

_**New York...**_

It was like entering a giant science-fiction movie studio. This place seemed huge! Was it because I was seeing it from a different perspective, still being trapped in a horizontal position?

Soon after whilst I was being settled in my room, two surgeons came and explained the whole shebang with simple words - thank God! I suddenly felt like I was being reincorporated in my unit ready to be baled out over Vietnam. Yet this time, the enemy was more vicious. He was within. I couldn't shoot at him. I couldn't blow him away. He took the first shot and drew first blood!

It's gonna be one hell of a road back home, I realize that now. But whatever the price to pay, the efforts, the pain, the screams, the tears, I will not let go. I can't!

For Mom. For Hutch. For me.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/

**(*) a bit out of period, perhaps. Yet Mount Sinaï is currently well known to be one of the top hospitals in that field.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello everyone. A big thanks to the Sheriff for your encouragements, both in and out FFN. And a big thanks, Janet, for your nice review and wishes. And also to all of you who came to read this new story and left a little review.**

**I wish you all a peaceful and blessed Christmas.**

**Lyxie.**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

I think I 'm dying for good.

Each day since last week, I've been taken to dark rooms for further scans and exams. Even if I'm lying down and the nurses are rolling my bed from one place to another, I'm out of breath when they take me back to my room.

I keep asking for more pain killers because I can't stand it anymore. But they don't seem to help. I mean the pills! Sometimes, when it hurts too much, I'm allowed some small and calculated dose of morphine. But the surgeon told me that, now that vital functions are secured, feeling the pain was the best way to avoid unexpected injuries. Being aware of my limits prevents me from overexerting myself.

Mom comes every morning whilst I am still trying to emerge from a deep drug-induced sleep. When I wake up, she is there and I feel like I'm ten years old again and she comes to get me ready for school. I want to jump out of my bed and then reality strikes back. I'm just lying here like a corpse, a dead plant. _Okay, Davey Boy, now you're gonna shake these ideas ouf of your head and move on._

Yeah, just like in the army! I could almost hear the baritone voice of our drilling sergeant. Man, was he mean to us! But he meant well, he wanted us to be strong and resist to anything that would come up. There were days I swear I could have killed him with my bare hands. He was hard on us. I guess now I'm sergeant to my own body and I've gotta be hard on it, just as my old sergeant was on us.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

I asked the nurse to help me call Hutch this morning. Gee, it felt so good to hear his voice. We exchanged only a few words because I was too tired to talk for more than five or ten minutes, but they were precious ones. I needed to hear his voice and be sure he was all right. He said he's back on the job, but I'm not sure whether Dobey has given him a new partner. Anyway, I guess he would reject the idea.

I closed my eyes and tried to figure how he looked. The very last image I keep of him is that pair of blue eyes trying to smile the most encouraging goodbye he could give. But somehow I had the strange feeling the fire was gone. He promised to call again tomorrow. I'll be looking forward to that call!

Then the rest of the morning was just another long nap. I'm not hungry. They tried to force me to swallow at least some soup or any enhanced liquid that would lead me to normal food soon. But my stomach just can't cope. As I hardly move, my body doesn't seem to want to be sustained as before. I don't even dream of a burrito or a cool beer anymore. I just want them all to let me sleep. While I'm asleep, I can forget the pain, the paralysis, this whole nightmare!

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

They have installed a new catheter with liquid nutrients. My veins are so fragile and painful in both arms now. Sometimes, I need to cry. When I'm alone. I'm not ashamed of it. It's just that I can't hold back the tears anymore. I tried so hard not to show Mom and Hutch and all the others that I was depressed, but I've reached the limit of my pretence. It just hurts too much. Not only my body. My heart too. For I haven't seen any improvement since I was admitted to Mount Sinai. One exercise after another, one traction, after another daily massage. And yet, no improvement. Hell, when am I gonna feel something down there, dammit?

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

There is a nurse called Sally. She is so nice with me. Patient and everything. Af first I trieds to be a good patient. But I feel I'm losing my composure and this morning I was even a bit rude to her. I felt sorry when she said nothing back and went on cleaning my body and searching for pressure sores to treat them.

I felt bad and when she came back later, I apologized. She smiled gently at me, without a word and went on with her routine.

Yet before leaving my room, she said something like I was one of the best patients she was currently taking care of. She always finds a kind word that makes me feel better.

The psychiatrist also came to visit me again. That Bruno is a tall guy, brown hair, clear complexion. He speaks with an accent I could not clearly identify at first. He finally said he was Italian and came to the States with his parents when he was five. How comes he never got rid of his accent? He is listening to my silence, sitting in a chair next to my bed. He always has a gentle smile on his face when he enters the room. It took me several sessions and several hours to start talking about how I felt, to let some anger show. I think I need to trust him.

But how could he possibly understand what I'm going through? Him, more than anyone else? Italians are supposed to be the macho type, right? And this one looks to me as the "ladies' man" if you catch my drift. How can I confess that one of my most secret fears is that I won't be able to be a man again, whole and complete?

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

The worst time in the day is when they empty my body of whatever has to come out, because I can't do it by myself yet! I'm lying there, feeling nothing, but I can hear the sound and I'm totally powerless. The first time it was ever done, I could not help but let the tears escape freely, I felt so ashamed. But the care assistant was so discreet and efficient that I kind of accepted it, convincing myself that it was temporary and I will manage on my own soon.

The only control I have for the moment is the call button I push to call someone to get me some water or empty the urine sack when it's full. How can a man survive this nightmare for long? How could I go through this for the rest of my life? For now, the doctor said the urine catheter will stay in place permanently but they will soon install an intermittent one, to prevent infection. They keep track of a precise schedule, explaining to me that this method will avoid urinary tract infections. Otherwise, I'll be back on antibiotics again. Gee, enough of this! Please!!

Sometimes at night, the alarm goes off, because I can't breathe anymore, like an elephant is sitting on my chest. My diaphragm has not been functioning normally because I'm always lying down. And also because of the stress. That means I'll have to go through more respiratory exercises and these are really killing me. I don't want to be intubated and put on the ventilator again. Somehow it feels like I'm being strangled from the inside. I did not care when I was in a coma, I couldn't feel it. But now that I'm conscious, I dread the moment they'll push that tube down my throat again. Like millions of needles ripping my inner skin and stopping the breathing instead of enhancing it.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

Hutch called tonight but I was so exhausted with the recent respiratory exercises that the nurse did not feel like waking me up. She asked him to call again tomorrow morning. There is only a three-hour time difference and I hope he can call me before he goes to work.

I wish I could tell him I've made some progress but I feel so disabled , alone and depressed. I don't want him to hear this in my voice. I've never managed to lie to him. Even thousands of kilometers apart, he would know at once. Maybe it's better that I missed his call tonight after all.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/


	5. Chapter 5

**Dear Readers,**

**I wish you All a sweet and peaceful Christmas Eve; may you and your loved ones be blessed with good health and prosperity for the time to come. With warmest regards, Lyxie, a.k.a. prolixius5.**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**.**

It's a great day today! I have been allowed to sit up!

Talk about progress!! Sitting up suddenly provides me with a brand new perspective on the world around me. I don't feel so small anymore. I can see the trees from my window. There are big beautiful trees but I can only see the tops of them.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

The "Miracle Engineer" has come to visit me today.

Actually his name is Doctor Ruben O'Brien. I first thought he was joking. Part Jewish, part Irish, he said. Interesting combination. Anyway, he said he had a very close look at the scans performed upon my arrival here and he wanted to discuss a new operation, to try and remove the remaining bullet fragment from my back.

I'm so afraid it could get worse afterwards. What if the operation fails? Even his nickname did not reassure me at once and I asked him to give me time to think about it.

Then I talked to the psychiatrist for a long time. I feel better talking to him now, a little bit more everyday and I can finally express all the anxiety I have held inside for so long. I have even managed to let out the kind of panic I feel when I think about women. He laughed and told me that I was running faster than time and that whatever the outcome, there were priorities I needed to consider first, like taking this new surgical step or not.

How can he say that sex life is not a priority? Okay, sure, not now, but what about later? No one is waiting for me back home, but I can't help thinking that I couldn't stand being regarded as disabled if I can't stand up at all.

He patiently explained that a sex life is not only about erection and ejaculation and that there are many others ways to share wonderful intimate moments. I was about to ask him: _Okay, Doctor, have you ever tried NOT to use your big Bologna pony with the girls?_ But I kept my mouth shut.

He took all the time necessary to gently explain what I could do instead, since only my lower body was useless for now. Okay, I could figure this by myself, ya know! When can I try this? And with who? Flirting with chicks while trying to roll after them is not my idea of a romantic approach!

Then we went on with the main subject I wanted to talk about initially. The new operation. I had him call the surgeon to join, as I could not yet clearly see what the odds were.

When I asked Dr O'Brien how he got his nickname, he simply answered with great modesty and almost a sort of shyness, that he had already performed this kind of operation on a dozen patients and that they were all walking now! Did I hear it right? Is he the one who's gonna save me from this doom? Shall I finally allow my mind to dream about getting my feet down on the ground by myself and walking, perhaps running again some day? I could not think about that right away. Anyway he told me that I should sleep on it before making my final decision.

When Hutch called again later that day, I felt so happy and wanted to explain all the details of the operation to him but I had a feeling he was not really listening. He sounded tired and distant. Maybe it's the new investigation he is dealing with at the moment?

I wish he was here now. Somehow I would feel more secure and I would go through the whole procedure without hesitation, without a doubt. What if it fails and I die on the table? _There is always a slight risk of complication_, said my Jewish-Irish miracle surgeon. But the odds are good, considering what the latest exams have revealed. Yet, I'm afraid to do it, not knowing whether I will see Blondie again.

Perhaps disabled for now, but at least, still alive.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

Christ, it hurt even more than before!

I should not have undergone the procedure. I felt as if they had cut my legs off and my whole body was just one bloody open wound. As if all my flesh had been ripped from my bones.

When I woke up from the anesthesia, I saw the face of the nice nurse who usually takes care of me. She was all smiles but I could not make out whether she was being reassuring or whether she was sorry. I wanted to speak but nothing but thin air came out of my dry mouth.

I was back on the ventilator again and I just hated it. I wanted it out! All I could do was move my eyes and try to look at the blue sky outside. And remember the old days when I used to walk or run in the park with Blondie. I was such a fool for not doing that more often! One of the few times when I really enjoyed running was the day I met Rosey. Gee, was she something! There I was, out of breath, trying to keep pace with Blondie when my eye caught that gorgeous girl running, and all of a sudden, I found I had some energy left that I never suspected was there. If only I would be able to do that again, but I doubted very much. It seemed as if the procedure had gone all wrong and there was no hope for me anymore.

I wanted to call Hutch, to hear his voice, before I became completely depressed and lost my mind building nonsense dreams of being a normal man again. He would surely find the right words to help me through this.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

Dr O'Brien came this afternoon when I was conscious enough to hear the dreadful news he had to give me. When he entered the room, he granted me with a relaxed face and a smile.

He came close to me, still smiling and showed me a little glass tube. There was a piece of metal in it. A tiny piece of what I guessed was the remainder of what had been pressing against my spine. Without a word, he looked at me, then at the tube and gently put the tube in my hand and closed my fist around it.

There were no more words needed. I understood. And I cried. In silence.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

One pleasant thing about this rehab' is the swimming pool sessions. I almost felt like a fish or even better, like a stingray, flying free in the Big Blue, feeling so light. No more effort, no more strain on the muscles. Even if I could not move my legs, I could feel the delightful feeling of the warm water caressing my skin. All pain seemed to have vanished there as though it had never existed. A guy was holding me under the arms. I was floating; the sensation of it all felt so great. Like I was being reborn in a world where I was in free fall as though I had become an angel in Heaven.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

It has been three weeks now since the "Miracle Engineer" removed the metal from my back and I have finally been allowed to sit up again. The ventilator was disconnected three days after the operation. It feels so good to see the trees again. I never thought I would fall in love with nature and miss it so much!

Sally comes every morning to monitor all the machines which are still connected, to check my heart, my respiration, my blood pressure, the oxygen in my blood. She told me she has to leave for a couple of weeks to visit her aunt in Seattle. I'm afraid to be left with a nurse I don't know. She has been so caring, patient and comforting each time I felt down.

I have now been removed from intensive care. My new room is smaller than the previous one, yet brighter. The view I have of the trees is even better. Strangely, the color I miss the most is green. Trees. Lawns. Parks.

_Seems like you're gonna get yourself an overdose of nature when you're out of here, man!_

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

I had an unexpected visit today.

A woman came into my room after the new nurse announced a visitor, someone coming on behalf of Sally. I did not know what to expect and I agreed to meet her.

She introduced herself as Sally's sister. She is a tall brunette named Alexandra, obviously older than Sally, with a strong look on her face, as if she has been through a lot herself. Only she stayed for a few minutes to give me some news of her little sister and how she had spoken of one of her "favorite patients". Gee, am I the nurses favorite patient here? Who would have thought, huh? With the faces I have made lately? She brought me the books Sally had promised me but hadn't had time to bring me before she left for the West Coast. I did not know what to talk about with her. For the first time, I was speechless and it sure was new to me. As if she could see right through me and know that I had lost that confidence of mine with women. How weird to have a woman look at me that way!

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

Yeaah, I've been allowed to sit in a wheelchair! My arms hurt, as do my fingers. After half an hour, I was totally exhausted and almost out of breath, as I wanted to roll it my myself the whole way. But I had forgotten that, for weeks, I have only been using my hands to feed myself in my bed or to hold a book.

But what a thrill! To have some sort of feeling of independence. Just great!

When Mom came and saw the room was empty, she first was scared something bad had happened then she saw me in the corridor and she cried for joy. I want to make her proud of me. She rolled me back to my room, for I had used all my strengths on that first rolling adventure. In a couple of weeks, I bet I'll be the fastest of all the wheelchairs patients.

When Mom came back in the afternoon, she told me she had spoken to Hutch and told him about the chair. Then she said how happy she was to see me recovering and enjoying this new step in my rehab'. But all I wanted her to tell me was how _he_ was. She eluded and said she had only spoken to him for a few minutes, as he obviously was in a hurry again. What is that damn investigation he's working on??

I've been allowed calls almost anytime of the day since I insisted and explained that keeping in touch with my partner and best friend was part of my recovery. But when I call him, sometimes late at night, no one answers at his apartment, not even Anna.

I called Dobey and he said that Blondie is getting involved in a difficult case, a bit more every day and he hopes to solve it soon, for he is concerned about Hutch. When I asked whether he had heard from Anna, he told me that she had left their house a couple of days ago, but he did not know any more about it. I guess he is hiding something from me.

Huggy does not tell me any more either. What's happening, Blondie? What are you doing? Please take care of yourself, Buddy!

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Sally is back and she's brought a little surprise from her trip. A pair of brand new blue Adidas! For me! I felt like I was gonna jump from my chair and try them on at once. I certainly could not do it but in my heart I could feel the sensation of putting them on and starting to run. I promised her that I would put them on the very first day I am able to stand up. She was laughing at the idea and told me it could take some more months before that happened.

I don't care. I've learnt to be more patient now.

In between sessions of stretching and massages and meetings with Bruno, I can't do little more than read, for I get tired easily after all the exercises they are putting me through.

I guess I have lost a lot of weight for I'm floating in my pj's. And when I looked at myself in the mirror, I also decided I need a good hair cut. The hospital provides all kinds of services for patients. Therefore I've had it cut very short. Some sort of facial therapy.

New resolutions, new days ahead, why not a new look?

Mom and Alexandra seemed to like it. Or so they said.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

I've finally been allowed out of the hospital and have integrated a rehab' facility close to the hospital. With less intensive medical care since my rehabilitation is progressing on just fine, although I've not regained any sensation in my legs yet. Dr O'Brien said it could take weeks before I could feel the slightest feeling, if ever.

I'm trying to remain positive about all this and have been doing a lot of thinking. What if I never walk again after all? How could I find something to do with my life, something productive?

I talked to Mom about it, but she just smiled and gently ruffled my hair and said I have all the time in the world to think about that. I sense she would be happy for me to stay here in New York. But somehow she can also sense that all I want to do is go back to Bay City and see Hutch.

.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

.

Last night, I was submerged by a big blues mood. I felt like a bird with broken wings, unable to breathe the oxygen of the blue sky anymore.

Hutch is not picking up the phone.

I can't get hold of Anna.

I feel so lonely.

I'm scared.

.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

.

It's been a month now since I left the hospital and I still feel like I'm getting nowhere.

I get regular visits from care assistants, therapists and so on, but I'm still not able to do things on a hundred percent on my own and I feel kinda frustrated.

I realized that being away from home for so long had a deep impact on my mental state.

I've been drugged - for my own good - taken care of, operated on, washed, emptied, trained, operated on again, dragged into numerous exhausting exercises, promised improvement, described the hell I would have to go through.

My mind could not focus on anything other than the next treatment I'd be given, the new pain I would experience in all the fibers of my body, or how I could manage to manipulate my environment from a wheelchair.

And all the while, I've been neglecting my partner. I can sense something is very wrong with him. Our calls are few now and most of the time, Hutch is either in a hurry because of the case he is working on, or worse, he is not answering my calls at all.

When I talked to Dobey and requested a bit more information on what was going on, he finally and reluctantly confessed he had to give Hutch an unregistered blame. He is as worried as I am, but he would never let me know precisely what happens. As if he felt the truth would be too much for me to hear. Dobey is trying to protect me but if I don't know what's going on with Blondie, how am I supposed to protect _him_ from doing something weird? I know him, he can be so damn stubborn sometimes and not let anyone in.

Gee, Hutch, hang on, I won't be long now. But they won't not let me leave this place, not yet anyway, there are still so many phases I gotta get through before I'm allowed to go it alone and live an almost normal life, at a different level.

I wish you could see me now, rolling my chair like a pro. I'm sure you would even criticize the way I drive this chair, just as you were complaining about the reckless way I drove the Torino. Gee, what happened to that car? I certainly won't be able to drive it anymore. Hey, what about finding a customized one with the commands adapted to the steering wheel? Then I could drive you around, like before.

But not for the job, that's for sure.

I've been thinking about a job.

How can I reintegrate a productive life and not remain dependent on others and state benefits?

How can I continue my life since being in the Force was all I wanted all along?

I'm useless as a detective.

I'm useless as a friend.

I'm useless as a man.

.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

.

Alexandra has been visiting me on a regular basis over the last few weeks, bringing a few delicacies, only the ones I'm authorized to eat. She's also said I needed to see something other than these walls and the tops of the trees outside. She has invited me for dinner at her place, now that I have been allowed to go out only if for a couple of hours. I was first very surprised, and I refused as politely as I could. She must have sensed from the tone of my voice that I didn't want any pity from her. She got a bit angry with me and said she was not all sorry for me, that she only intended to spend an evening in my company, cook something different from what I've been eating for months. A real dinner with lots of things I have not tasted for ages, within the limits of what I'm authorized of course.

So it was settled. She came to pick me up at seven. I had prepared a little bag containing the medicine I have to take and a bit more stuff I may need, _just in case.._. In case of what? I was not really afraid of a new mishap, I've been through so much up to now that I guess I was ready to cope with just about anything that life may throw at me.

When we arrived at her place in Long Island, I had the pleasant surprise to see she was living in a bungalow. Great idea! That meant I could move around without her help. Okay, it was a bit difficult getting out of the car and into the chair without her help, but I managed most of it by myself. She remained discreet enough not to make me feel totally crippled.

I guess she only meant well, but at first I was very uncomfortable in a new place and with a woman, trying to roll around without banging against the furniture and trying not to make an asshole of myself. The corridors of the hospital are so much more practical, straight, no curves, no furniture to avoid. Yet she must have thought of it for I had the impression that the couch and some chairs and stuff had been moved away a little, I could see the evidence on the carpet where they had left marks.

She offered me a soft drink with fresh fruit, which I actually found delicious, compared to what I had been allowed up till now at the Center, where the food was already much better than at the hospital. She went to the kitchen, checked the contents of a roasting dish and put it in the oven.

She must have been sure I would accept her invitation!

I was still in the middle of the living room.

Because the whole place was open plan and there were no doors between the rooms, I could see her preparing the evening meal from where I was sitting.

What was I doing there, in the company of a nice lady, inviting me over for dinner? I could neither help nor get away.

I was running away in my head to hide my definite feeling of unease.

To hide my feelings, I took a look around and I noticed a diploma on the wall. Apparently, she had just got her Master's degree as a Dental Surgeon. Wow!

It suddenly reminded me of Rosey and the day I had told her I was a dentist, avoiding at all costs letting her know I was a cop. I had cheated on her the whole time, until her father told her who I really was.

Today, I wish I could cheat on _me_, stand up and run away like hell. But where would I go?

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/


	7. Chapter 7

**I wish you all again a peaceful and prosper 2010. May you be blessed with all your heart desires. With warm regards and all my thanks for being here. Lyxie.**

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**Chapter 7**

I have to admit that she was a rather gifted cook. I really enjoyed the meal and after she had cleared the table, we sat in front of the fireplace, each of us holding a cup of herbal tea she had prepared. I had not talked much during the evening and she had not insisted on any subject as soon as she felt I did not want to answer. Yet now that we were a bit more relaxed - or at least I was trying to look that way, trying to be polite- she started to ask about my life back West. I remained silent for a long while, and felt her look on me, waiting, expecting me to let go and be more confident. Why? Why would she wanna know about my life before? When I was still a man, and not a bundle of broken bones and sore muscles? With no way to stand up, to take her in my arms and kiss her?

Because, I confess, the more I looked at her, the more I found her nice. More than nice as a matter of fact. She had that special way of staring at me without blinking for long seconds and starting to smile, as if she had come to some pleasant conclusion about what she was looking at.

I was unable to withdrawn and feel more relaxed and I asked her to take me back to the Center. She wanted to know why and I must have said something that triggered her anger for she uttered a loud and clear "NO!". I still can hear the tone of her voice when she spoke to me.

.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

.

"Why do you wanna go back there?" she asked, looking me in the eye.

"I... I don't belong here." I replied softly, feeling shame crawling over my shoulders.

"Where?"

"Here... At your place."

"Why?"

"You have to ask?"

"Yeah. Answer me... why?"

"It's no use. Could you take me back... please?"

"No."

I looked at her. She came and sat on the couch close to me. Her face was only gentleness and smiles now.

"Please, Alexandra. Will you drive me back to the Center?" I almost begged.

"No, I won't, David. I invited you over because I got to know you a little bit during the last few weeks and I want to know you even better. I would like us to be friends."

"Friends?"

"Yeah. Does that surprise you?"

"Huh... I don't understand."

"Friends. You know when two people meet and they like each other and they exchange their impressions on life, their hobbies. They talk about anything, or nothing. Friends, you know." I could feel the gentle mockery in her voice.

"Why me?"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm..."

I could not utter the word.

"You're what?" she went on, so calmly.

Gee, she was not making it easy for me.

"I am not..."

"What?"

I looked at my feet, not able to speak.

"David, look at me." I raised my eyes, so slowly. "I like you, period. Isn't that enough to become friends?"

"Huh... I guess so."

"So?"

Gee, she was enjoying this.

"So what?"

"Tell me, I'm curious, how was your life back in California?"

"Well... I was a cop... and ..."

"I know that already. Sally told me a bit about your background."

"Then what do you wanna know?"

"How was your life _outside_ the job?"

I was not in the mood to talk about the life I had lost.

"What did you do when you were not on duty?"

_Okay, she is persistent. What the hell?_

"I had fun with my friends, going to the Pits..."

"The Pits?"

"It's a bar, run by Huggy. He's a good friend of ours."

"What about Hutch? You only told me a little about him, but I sense he counts a lot for you. Am I right?"

I kept silent for what seemed like an eternity, trying to remember the echo of Hutch's voice and picture his face in my head. I'd been away for so long and submerged with so much pain, drugs, treatments, by so many people around me. My head was so weary that I was afraid to lose the memory of him because my body was so exhausted.

"Yeah, Hutch is … special to me."

"How special?"

"We're like brothers, soul mates, he is...."

I couldn't go on, almost choking up. I was trying to hold back. I missed him!

_Dear God, I hope you keep an eye on my Buddy, for I fear something is about to go wrong with him. I can feel it. And I'm not there to support him. It's a long way from here to there. And here I am, taking my time, while I should be fighting like hell to make it once and for all, and go back and gently kick his ass and make him feel better!_

I didn't wanna forget what it's like to be back home, even in this damn wheelchair!

I had go back.

"Alexandra, I really need to go back." I went on, very calmly too.

"To the Center?"

"Yeah, first to the Center... Then to California."

"You want me to book a flight for you tomorrow?" she said with that amused tone she had been playing with me all along.

"What?? ... I meant... not now, but … soon."

"Do we have time at least for a cup of tea?" she said with a mixture of amusement and false anger in her voice.

Gee, I never realized how gorgeous she was when she is angry. Her eyes were glinting and her voice was lower. I felt like she was embracing the whole of me with the sole tone of her voice. Slowly, I tried to relax and let go of the pain, the fear, the anger.

She came closer, knelt in front of me and let her hand on mine. I finally managed to look at her without feeling as if I was about to burst into tears. I even smiled at her.

"That's better." she softly said. "I'll get the tea."

She stood up but before she turned to head to the kitchen, I grabbed hold of her waist and drew her closer to me. All I wanted at that moment was to feel the warmth of her body against my face. Someone to hold on to. To feel safe, if only for a brief moment. She put her arms around my shoulders and I could feel her fingers gently rubbing the back of my neck.

When I looked up, she lowered her face real close to mine and kissed me. Her lips were so soft yet greedy at the same time, exploring my lips and my mouth like no woman had never done before. I held her tight against me. We kissed for a long time, unable to part from each other's embrace. I felt like a fire was starting down in my belly. I could almost dream I was getting to my feet to take her in my arms. Then all of a sudden, reality caught me and I pulled myself away from her lips.

"What's wrong?"

"N-Nothing." I lied.

"Dave. Just take it at it is, for what it is." she said softly and kissed me again.

"What do you think it is?"

"I think it is some good feeling which started the day I first met you and it has been growing ever since. Can't help it. I find you kinda... cute."

I swallowed hard.

"Cute, huh? Like a miserable toy..."

"Shhht." she whispered whilst putting a finger on my lips to seal them and prevent me from uttering more stupid words. "I like you just as you are today. Period."

And she went on kissing me with even more passion.

How could I deserve this? How could a woman like her feel what she seemed to feel for me? How come I, who had always taken the initiative with girlfriends, was now feeling totally helpless and entirely at her mercy? How come I wanted to respond with all my heart to her move. To kiss her and …

_Okay, Starsk, snap out of it, man! How do you imagine you can please a fire ball like her? She is fire all right! But your own little spark has been blown out, you know that. So don't even try to pretend to be able to be a ladies man again. Ever._

As if she heard my thoughts, she took my face in her hands and softly whispered in my ear.

"Don't worry, Dave, one **step** at a time. And I always choose my words very carefully."

Then she stood up again.

"I'm gonna prepare some herbal tea, what do you think?"

I did not reply, I could not, still feeling a bit perplexed and a lot warmer all over than a few minutes ago.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/


	8. Chapter 8

**_While busy with a new story - a even longer one again this time, with new original characters - I'm pleased to post a new chapt of _Home for Xmas_. I hope all of you who got back to work had a smooth transition from Season's Holidays and those at home are enjoying it too. I wish you all well and I thank you for any comment you'd like to make on this story... or on any other... You know I'm addicted to reviews ;-). My New Year's wishes have not changed one bit: be happy with everything I'm granted in life and write more fics with careful dedication. Take care, Lyxie._**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 8**

I have been feeling a bit weird for the last few days. Each time a nurse or a female care assistant enters my room, I find myself looking at them in a way I thought was lost to me for ever. I don't think I'll ever be able to be a "man", a real one, and to make love the way I used to, but my heart seems to have found the way back towards desire anyhow. I surprised myself thinking about Alex many times during the day and longing for her next visit.

She triggered something deep inside of my broken body, something I thought had died a long time ago. And I'm afraid I'll lose it again if I don't take it all the way. But still, I can't think of how to take the next step.

The good Dr Miracle told me that as long as I felt no pain, I could do more exercises to reinforce the muscles in my arms and back, provided I go gentle on the efforts. Okay, did he mean I could also... ?

_That's stupid, Starsky, think of it? How could you get sore muscles while not even trying to do what you will never be able to do? I'm not even making sense here!_

I did not want to admit it, but against my better judgment, I think I might be falling in love with that wonderful brunette. Is that what they call the "Stockholm syndrome"? Oh no, that one is when you're abducted and you fall in love with one of your kidnappers. Okay, I've been abducted by a nasty turn of events, and I'm falling in love with someone who had absolutely nothing to do with it in the first place. Whatever! I'm tired of exerting all my energy thinking about the Do's and Don'ts.

She may have done more than she expected. She has opened my eyes to my new reality and guided me back to my primary nature. For I have always loved life and everything that goes with it.

So, even from my wheelchair, if I find the way to please a woman like her, I can achieve anything, right? Right!

I can go back to Hutch and help him out of whatever he has got into. I can take care of myself and build a new life. I have absolutely no clue whatsoever, about the area I could be useful in, but I'll think of something.

One way or another, I'll be back home soon.

*

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

*

It has now been almost seven months... or is it eight?... I've lost track since I left Bay City.

I miss my home, my friend, my life.

I can't concentrate on anything but the day I'll be traveling back from coast to coast and it scares the hell out of me. Because nothing will be the same. I won't get my life as a cop back. But the most scary thought is that I won't find Hutch as he was.

Dobey hesitated about telling me what was going on and Anna reluctantly confessed he has been hooked on drugs for a while now. I guess the shooting has broken more than a few bones. I know damn well how fragile my Hutch is and having to let me go without any possibility to watch over me, must have left him in a state of loss and guilt. I know the guy. And with all the guilt I have been carrying myself for leaving him behind, we could have sunk the Titanic a second time!

I never thought he would be back on the dope, after Monk shot him with heroin and he got out of it. The only difference is I was there for him and I would not let go. He had been so fragile and lost during the following weeks. I had been very careful not to let him think too long or get depressed. I would systematically try to get him to concentrate on real things, to focus his thoughts on positive details. This time, he is so alone. This time, he gave up. Please Hutch, stop this! And answer my calls, Buddy.

...

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

...

Alex has been trying to lure me into some relaxing evenings, cooking delightful meals I would hardly touch. I am now waiting with some apprehension, for the moment she will walk through my door and smile because I don't know how to thank her for all the efforts she has deployed to make me feel better.

It is now 6 p.m. and she will surely come soon. What if I pretend to be too tired to go to her place? What if I take some more sleeping pills so I don't even have to fake it? I don't wanna hurt her feelings but I can't go on like this anymore. I need...

I don't even know what I need. What a mess I'm making! I am torn between the wish to hear her voice and the wish to be left alone, in my dark and dismal mood.

There she comes... too late for the sleeping pills!

"Hello David. Ready to go?"

"Huh, Alex, I thought that maybe... we could skip the evening this time."

"No way, Mister Starsky. I've planned to cook something very special tonight and there is no way you're gonna escape this."

"Alex..."

"Yes?" she answers with a big innocent smile, waiting for me to find a suitable excuse, but I can't find one.

I give up. I'll go. And I will try to enjoy the evening the best I can.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

Alex is always patiently waiting for me to get out of the car by myself and get comfortable in the chair before she turns away and unlocks the door of her house.

When we enter, I can see she has rearranged the furniture again, to make it easier for me to move around with the new chair I got two days ago. This one is lighter and easier to manoeuver. My arms are also getting stronger and I roll around with a lot of ease now. I even got a reprimand from the nurse-in-chief for trying to organize a competition with fellow chair-users. Racing like hell as if I was driving the Torino again. Seems I'm incurable.

The only reason I decided to listen to their advice to be more cautious is that, if I fall, I can badly hurt myself and I would have to stay even longer at the Center. Okay, I got the message. Roger that!

Alex has already set the table and begins to light up some candles.

"What's the occasion?" I ask.

"Huh?"

"The candles?... It's not my birthday."

"Nothing special... I just like candlelight suppers."

"Supper? I thought we were having dinner?"

"We'll eat later than usual?"

"What about getting me back to the Center before curfew?"

"No _curfew_ tonight. You have been given a special permission this time."

"I don't understand."

"You will spend the night here."

I look at her, totally astonished.

"What??"

"You'll be sleeping here. I thought, now that you don't need as much medical care, you could have a real break from the Center. Don't you like the idea?"

"Well, huh..." I did not like the idea of being forced into something without prior consultation.

"They have explained fully to me what has to be done and you can do the rest by yourself, right?"

"I guess so."

_Okay, let's try to be positive about all this._

Gee, I'm really starting to panic now. How am I gonna take a shower, and empty the sack and ... _Oh man, I wanna go back the Center, where I feel safe_. I know how to do it all, I've been able to take care of my bodily functions all alone for a while but not with someone else around other than a nurse, occasionally.

"C'mon, I'll show you the bathroom, I guess you'll need time to organize your shower program, while I prepare our dinner."

"Huh... yeah, I guess... But..."

"I took the liberty of asking the staff to prepare a little bag of clothes and everything you may need, and one of your favorite books."

"Traitor!" I mumbled to myself, but not aggressively though.

"Who?"

"Sally. But I guess she only wanted to help."

"So, what do you say you go for a shower and I prepare dinner?"

"I... yeah. Okay. Could you show me the bathroom?"

She accompanies me and shows me how practical the room is. The door opens wide and there is a large shelf to sit on in the shower cabinet, easily accessible for someone in a wheelchair, with handles in all the right places. Gee, don't tell me she reorganized this whole place for me!

Again, she seems to read my mind.

"My Mom used to live with me before she died and she was the tenacious type. She never allowed me to help. I rearranged the house so she could take care of herself. I can assure you, it has been tested and validated, it's solid enough for you. Try it on. There are towels here and shower gel in the shower cabinet. Just be careful when handling the taps, the water gets hot very quickly."

"I think I can manage." I reply, feeling more confident.

"I know, but try the water temperature on your arms, right? Otherwise..."

"...I could get burned. I know, they taught me all about this at the Center."

"Okay, then. If you need anything, just yell, right?"

"Sure." I look at everything and mentally program the whole sequence of movements I will have to carry out. Before Alex leaves the room, I turn my head and say "Thanks, Alex."

"You're welcome. Take your time. It may take me a while in the kitchen anyway."

I am left alone in the bathroom. I try to exhort myself, like I am at the same time a rookie and a drilling sergeant.

_OK, Starsky, c'mon soldier, now we get down to business._

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/


	9. Chapter 9

**_Thanks to all readers and SH fans for sticking with Curly this time... I hope you all had a good 2010 prelude..._**

**_Warning: graphic description of a "love" scene. If the topic offends you, just skip this chapter. It won't prevent understanding the rest of the story. _**

**_I hope you'll enjoy reading on..._**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

How can I describe that the world collapsed and yet I was reborn at the same time?

It felt like St Andreas fault had suddenly expanded towards New York State and shattered all my barriers. I felt like a newborn in a world of splendor where anything is possible and a future of infinite opportunities has opened in front of me.

After an exquisite dinner where she made me discover new savors and textures, Alexandra guided me to the bedroom where I was supposed to spend the night; she had told me she would sleep in the guest bedroom, because that one was too small for me to move around with the chair.

She also went for a shower but I must have dozed off and lost track of time for, when she came back, I thought she was coming to check everything was all right. Suddenly I had a vision of a brunette angel dressed in a simple but elegant silky white night dress, her hair still wet.

If my legs had been operational, I would have run away fast, even though I thought she was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen.

But I was stuck there, lying down, helpless, prisoner of my handicap and, above all, of my fears. How could I ever go through this? It felt like the _first time_. I did not know what to do anymore.

She sat beside me. She did not look me in the eye. She was looking at my body. My chest. My arms. She gently pulled the sheet down so slowly that I did not dare to move an inch. Instead I closed my eyes and let her fingers run over my skin. Then I felt her body next to me and she put an arm across my chest, still caressing my skin. I was shivering all over.

"Alex... I... don't..." I said, opening my eyes and staring at the ceiling.

"Shhh... Don't say a word." she whispered in an almost inaudible voice. "Close your eyes."

The tender stroke went on and on until I felt the urge to take her hand and kiss her palm. I became addicted to the sweet smell of her skin, to the pleasure she was giving me, to the touch that was awakening all my senses, long buried like a distant memory. I felt as though I was becoming dependent on that gentle touch and I felt so helpless not to be able to respond as the lover I wanted to be in that precious instant.

She delivered my body from the sheet which fell to the floor and knelt next to me on the bed. I did not dare to touch her at first, but then the tip of my fingers slowly started to explore her skin, her breasts underneath the white silk, her shoulders, down to her belly. She very slowly took off her night dress and offered her beautiful nude body to my hungry eyes.

I must have passed into another dimension.

The night was like a dream filled with heady perfumes and tastes when I started to explore every single inch of her freely and lovingly offered body. I learnt how to let my hands and my mouth give all the love she could take from me. The night was suddenly mine and hers. The love was embracing our very hearts into a single synchronized momentum of perfect union until she arched and offered me the most beautiful gift she could give me.

She let her body rest on mine and started to tremble all over. I put my arms around her, reassuring her and kissing her hair. When she raised herself a little later, she sat on my hips and she resumed caressing my chest. I could have died there and then; heaven had been brought to me after months of hell.

I started to cry. She gently put her fingers on my cheeks to caress the tears away and gave me the most tender look which could have been the last thing I wanted to see before dying.

"Thank you." She said. Her voice was as light as a butterfly wing.

I went on crying and started to shiver myself.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Alex...I... wanted to... don't know."

"Shhh, it's okay."

"But..."

"Let it go." her voice is just an imperceptible brush of fresh air on my skin.

Without letting me voice what could not come from my throat anyway, she started to caress me again. Their was a lot of magic in her fingers as they wandered over my skin. When they reached my manhood, I tried to grab her hand because I did not want to be aware of her caress on that place and yet feel nothing. But she was persistent and her fingers went on with their investigation. I had the vision of what I used to be and what used to please the girls. Now I felt like a broken puppet. My strings had been cut. I had been emptied out. My batteries had been discharged.

I did not want to go through this, but she started to kiss the places she had just been caressing. It was like some strange torture, but without the pain; the torture was in my head and that was even worse. She did not kiss for long and instead let her body rest on mine and I could feel her breasts and belly pressing against my own shivering body. I put my arms around her and held her so tight, like I was never gonna let her go. I stopped shivering and felt secure at last. I could feel her breath on my neck and I kissed her ear before I found the courage to say I was sorry.

"Sorry? You will never be sorry again, David." she whispered.

"But... I wanted... so much..."

"Will is not power. I feel so good in your arms, I feel like a woman, David. Thank you for that."

"Alex..."

"I could feel your skin shivering. Does that mean you enjoyed my caresses?"

"Oh yes..." I whispered back.

Then suddenly, feeling her body pressed on mine made me want to love her more, the way a man loves a woman, I wanted to possess her, please her, fill her with all the love I felt for her. My thoughts went right down to my cock and I could almost imagine it was awakening and preparing for celebration. But it was just a cruel and bitter illusion.

Or was it? Would my thoughts be powerful enough to make it rise?

_Forget it David, you're dreaming, man!_

Then, why did I feel a sudden almost imperceptible but real itching there?

I gasped.

She must have thought I was in pain for she raised her head, let her body slide to my side and looked at me worryingly.

"Dave, what's the matter? Are you okay?"

"Alex..." I could not speak, I tried to swallow and remember the sensation I had just experienced.

Now she was looking genuinely worried and sat next to me, preparing for an emergency scenario. I needed to reassure her but first I wanted to ascertain whether what I had just felt was real or not.

"I... I just felt... something..."

Her eyes were questioning.

"There." I whispered, putting my hand down my belly.

She looked me in the eyes, then she looked down, then in the eyes again and smiled.

"See, anything can happen when you put your mind to it."

"My mind does not have anything to do with it! I'm not supposed to _feel_. I was broken, left senseless. My spine..."

"Dave, forget about medical explanation: your _miracle doctor_ told you there were good chances of recovery, he did not tell you _when_... but seems it's happening. Okay, let's not rush here, tomorrow we'll go back to the hospital and plan for some tests."

"And what if it was just an echo and it's really broken?"

Her eyes were now gazing at me intensively as if penetrating the depths of my soul.

"What if? My feelings for you stay the same, Dave. I told you; for what you are, not what you do. Though I must confess you did it so well!! Hmmm, it was rrreal good, babe." she said, stretching like a content feline and lying back against my body.

She soon fell asleep next to me. I had a sudden and irrepressible impulse to thank God for the gift I had just been given, for the woman lying by my side, for whatever improvement could show up, for what He had in store for me in the future. I had given that woman the pleasure she wanted, she made me feel like a man in such a different way that it was kinda of a revolution in my head. And now, thanks to the way I felt for her, she may have reignited the spark I needed to get my body to react. I should have been thankful.

Then why was I feeling something bad was prowling in the dark, waiting to strike?

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

The day after, we were back to the Center and I had Dr O'Brien called in as soon as he could come. He has such a busy schedule and so many patients to take care of that he only comes late in the afternoon.

"Hello David. Sorry for coming so late. What happened to you? The nurse told me it was urgent, but also that your life was not in danger."

"Doctor, I..."

How could I explain to him what I had experienced last night and the circumstances in which it had happened. What the hell? I had to know for sure.

"Huh, last night, I... I was staying at Alexandra's and, after supper..."

"Count Basie."

"What??"

"_After Supper_, wonderful jazz by Count Basie."

"Doctor, pleeease!"

During several earlier conversations with him, I had discovered he was fond of jazz and most of all of Count Basie. He was also known to be fond of jokes and was quick on the draw. Part of the job, I guess. When surgeons see so much despair and pain, sounds only logical they gotta protect their mental state one way or another, otherwise they go nuts when they fail to repair.

"Sorry. Go on. What happened?"

"After supper, we..."

Gee, I could not say the words. He must have felt I was uneasy explaining and helped me out.

"You and Alexandra had a pleasant sexual experience?"

"Yeah." I replied with a sigh of relief.

"Okay. And something happened to you?"

"Huh... yeah."

"You felt a sensation where there was none before?"

"Yes."

"Good."

Then he kept silent for a long time.

"Good? That's it? Doctor... w-what does this mean?"

He took a deep breath, looked at me with a large happy smile.

"It means that the last operation may have been a success."

"You mean... I... ?"

"Yes. But hold it, David. It means the machine will work again one day, but that does not mean you won't have to go through more months of rehab' and grease all those stiff joints in your body. It may feel like hell again, but you have a chance to make it now. I'll program a final series of exams to check the spine and nerves. In the meantime, I want you to take it easy."

I nodded in silence. My thoughts were tumbling through my mind.

_I'm gonna walk! I'm gonna stand in front of Alex, in front of everyone but most important... in front of Hutch! Fire in the hall!!_

The promise I made to myself so many months ago was about to come true at last. I knew that the road to complete recovery was still a long one but at least, I could see the beacon calling me. I couldn't wait to call Hutch and tell him.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

I can't get hold of Blondie and I'm worried sick. Alex is trying to convince me that the investigation he is working on must be draining him and he is probably either undercover or trying to catch up on his sleep. But I don't buy it! I know my Hutch, he is deep into something very bad. And I know what it is, dammit! I had to take a lot of drugs for the pain, they put me on morphine and I was afraid to become addicted. But the fear went away as soon as the pain receded.

Anna would not tell me any more, she is as afraid as I am, I guess. Dobey told me Hutch put his resignation letter on his desk and turned away real fast as if the devil was on his toes.

I have been spending more time with Alex than ever and, at night, I often wake up out of breath, panting, trying to come out of a nightmare I wish was not connected to what's really happening. I'm afraid for Hutch.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

"Why don't we organize our trip back to Bay City for Christmas?"

Alex is watching me as I stare at nothing, my mind full of Hutch and the mystery I can't solve.

"Our? You mean... you wanna come back home with me?"

"Is that a problem?"

"Huh no, I guess not. But... your job..."

"I can find one over there. I'm qualified now, don't you think?" she replies with a bit of irony in her voice and her thumb pointing to her Master's diploma on the wall.

"Sure. But... where are you gonna live? Well... you could... move in with me, first. And find a place for yourself later on."

"Sure." she says, still ironically smiling.

Then she comes to me and gently kisses my lips.

"I can also move in with you... and stay with you."

Now it's my turn to sound amusingly ironic.

"Now listen, Lady, you don't know what you're exposing yourself to. I work like hell, I don't have regular hours, I'm grouchy in the morning."

"Sounds exciting."

"I'm a sort of maniac where my apartment is concerned."

"Me too. Nice coincidence."

"I drive like a nutcase."

"I love adventure."

"What can I say to convince you I'm not the marrying type?"

"Who ever said I wanted to marry you??"

"Manner of speaking."

"Speak to me some more, handsome! Try to talk me out of it!!"

And so saying, she sits on my lap, which I can now stand without feeling any pain, and grants me with the most passionate kiss she had ever given me since we met.

All I had hoped for from the start! She is coming back home with me. I'll introduce her to Blondie. That'll be something!

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

/tbc/


	11. Chapter 11

**_Well, this is it! Final chapter. I wish to thank all of you who have read and reviewed both this story and "One Hell of a Road to Christmas" (and of course all my other stories). I received so much encouragement and positive feedback on and off FFN that my only goal now is to go on and try to improve my writing as I go along. You really made my day - day after day - and I'm thankful for being part of this wonderful community of S&H fans! All the best to all of you._**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

Dr Miracle was damn right. I'm supposed to travel back to the West Coast in two weeks and he has put the most precious gift of all in my luggage: the results of all the exams I've been through, with or without smiles and patience, but it was worth it. He says that the nerves are slowly mending and the spine is gonna need some careful medical attention for a long time, but I should be able to stand up in a few months and to walk alone – with a cane – sometime next year.

Gee, I feel like crying again, but this time, the tears would wash away all the pain and fear I've endured over the last nine months. I feel young again, full of dreams and plans, ready to think about the new job I want to do. My life as a cop is definitely over, but I've thought of something close enough to feel useful and to drag Hutch along with me. He is surely gonna like this. I have explained my idea to Alex and she said it was a great idea.

Blondie and I, serving the society, being helpful, in a different way, with no danger of being hit this time.

I can't wait to tell him!

I have never packed so fast. Only this time, there is a lot more to consider. Dr O'Brien called his counterpart in Bay City to explain my background in details and the medical attention I'm gonna need in the near future. He also found a rehab' center where I can go on exercising and being taken care of until I can manage a hundred percent on my own. I feel I can do most of it already, but it's good to know there are people over there too to help, should I need a hand. Hey, what do you think? Being dependent is not so degrading after all. So many people have saved my life, in all the right senses, that I will never be able to thank them all.

So instead, I'm gonna be grateful to all of them at the same time by being grateful to life and doing the best I can to overcome what could have been a real tragedy.

"Are you OK?" says Alex, who is busy in the kitchen, preparing one of her fruit cocktails which I have become insanely addicted to.

"Never been better!"

"I can see that. You're positively glowing. All smiles for the last five minutes, like angels are singing to you."

"Actually, I was thinking about Hutch, and where I came from and where I'm going to."

"Stop. You're gonna twist a muscle!"

"Alex?"

"Yes?"

"Huh... nothing."

She comes close and hands me a glass filled with a pale yellowish mixture.

"I know." she replies, knowing what I was gonna say.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

OK, going back _was_ a good idea, but I never imagined it would drain so much energy from my body to go to the airport, get in the plane, try to get some sleep – which I could not, too nervous for that – get off the plane, get in the ambulance, get settled in the new center that is gonna take care of me for a few days, to check nothing unexpected has happened to my back during the journey.

I'm so exhausted now. Alex called the hospital where she has found a job, to ask whether she could postpone the beginning of her contract for a week or two. This will allow her to find a more practical and suitable place for both of us to live than my apartment with so many stairs to climb.

.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

.

After a good night sleep, I called Anna to get Hutch's new address. He has abandoned Venice Place and found a small bungalow near the beach. She told me he had been through hell over the last few weeks, trying to get rid of the mess he got himself into. Attaboy!! That's my Hutch! Hang on, Buddy, I'll be right there to give you a hand.

I hope the magic between us is still alive and well and that I'll be able to help him.

I have something to offer him: _me_, alive and well, and soon on my feet. Well he won't see that just yet, but I can make him understand. And I need to explain to him the idea I have for us to work together again. I'm sure he is gonna love this.

I just hope he will listen to me. God, please, don't let it be too late to reach him and get him out of his sorrow.

...

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

...

Alexandra has rented a car, a big one, big enough to put the chair in it. In my hands I hold the little piece of paper on which I wrote Hutch's address; it's all wrinkled now. I'm so nervous. Alex is following the directions I give her and from time to time, she turns her head and looks at me. She can feel I'm anxious about what I'm gonna find at the end of my journey.

"Do you want me to wait for you in the car while you go and talk to Hutch?" she asks, very softly.

"No. We'll find plenty of time to be alone, him and me, later on. Right now, to see you and me could be the best kick in his butt. When I called earlier, he sounded so surprised, you know, and I did not want to explain anything on the phone. I guess it's gonna be one hell of a shock to him."

"For you too. You have not seen each other for months! That's why I thought I should stay behind for a while."

"You know what?" I'm almost laughing at the idea. "Him and me,... we sound like two lovers who have been separated for ages. Do you think this sounds stupid?"

"No... I don't find this stupid at all. After all you've told me about him, I feel you've got a special friend there and I can't wait to finally meet the man."

.

°.°.°.°.°.°.°.

.

Well, here we are.

The house is so close to the ocean. Figures! Blondie has always loved the ocean. That's only right he would choose such a place to recover. And a bungalow. Just peachy! No stairs; way to go, Hutch, thanks, good idea!!

Alex parks in front of the house, gets the chair out of the car. I can take it over from there. Get in the chair. Get my feet on the footrests. And I'm on my way, rolling to my friend's place.

Alex pushes the doorbell and we wait. The moment lasts for so long that I start to tremble.

I'm afraid.

I'm happy to be here.

I feel like my heart's gonna explode.

And suddenly the door opens.

There he is, Blondie, my Buddy, my friend.

He looks tired, he's lost some weight, and there is an incredibly astonished look on his face.

_Oh man, how I've missed you! You'll never know. I've been fighting like a tiger to make it back to you, to home and now that I see you, I am speechless. Though I got so much to tell you. I missed you! How's that?? I missed your presence, your smile, your blond hair, your voice, those blue eyes, everything about you. __Don't you just stand there! Say something!! Even that you blame me for going away for so long!_

But Hutch falls to his knees and grabs me like he's finally found his safety net.

It feels so good to feel him against my heart.

I wish that the moment would last.

I can feel Alex is standing a few steps behind.

The world recedes leaving just this soft and precious moment... just the two of us... me and my Buddy... _Me and Thee_.

Now I can finally say:

"I'm home."

.

.

**The End**


End file.
